Delicate

The most challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. I have been under so much stress and anxiety, it has been like that for the past week but slowly fading away. I decided to share this because I need to get it of my chest. Maybe some will relate, maybe some will not but it feels good to be vulnerable.

Here’s the truth; I hate having a crush on someone. I hate the feeling; I hate it so much. Worst thing it doesn’t feel right, it gives me so much anxiety. I begin to create all these thoughts and questions in my head. “Is he thinking about me?”, “Should I write him?”, “Is it cool that I said that?”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Is it chill that you’re in my head?”. Awful, so awful, I don’t feel comfortable and I began to experience some issues when trying to be productive. I began to feel just like Simon, in a Ferris wheel, sometimes so up and I feel like on top of the world, and sometimes down like I want to just sleep all day and not do anything at all. Not the best behavior, but I try to stay calm surround myself with friends and have a good laugh. It helps, but it isn’t always like that.

Let me tell you a short story, once upon a time I meet a guy who was really kind. To be honest he was too kind, a gentleman with me and too nice. I didn’t want to give it much thought but… One day he said, “Such a shame we don’t have a group of friends to go out.” In my mind I thought, “Maybe he’s to shy to ask you out” so I suggested we went out together to grab a coffee, all good, all normal, but I got too excited. When the day came, I was very nervous I came early and waited for him… Two hours passed, and he didn’t show up… I received a text later, he explained he couldn’t make it. I wanted to cry so bad, but I didn’t. To keep the story short, he was never into me. I got enough courage to tell him how I felt, and he understood. He was very kind and told me he didn’t felt the same way for me. I felt free, hurt, but free and relieved. I spent many days only thinking about him. At the end he told me he wanted to still be friends, nowadays, we talk from time to time, just to keep communication. He had an awesome voice, like a very deep low voice, he could be a broadcaster.

Moving from that situation, I learned that I got very anxious whenever I really like someone. I can’t help myself and need to know immediately. “HEY! Do I like you? Are you attracted to me?” I need to know. It brings peace to my mind and soul. Instead of worrying me, asking myself all those questions. I think maybe there’s something wrong with me, maybe I can be too much sometimes, maybe I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. It’s hard to bring my mind together, focus on the present and not worry. More recently I started talking with someone that I really like, he’s kind, he’s nice, he’s an artist, he’s a poet, I feel like maybe he’s an old soul.

I’ve learned that Karma is a bitch; I know that for a fact. He stopped replying, and I don’t want to seem too desperate to talk to him, because I’ve already done that once, twice and I’ll have no dignity at all. Don’t want to scare him, don’t know what to do, I don’t know if he’ll ever write to me again, don’t know if he likes me. IT IS FUCKING KILLING ME!! I take a deep breath, close my eyes and try to make myself sleep.

Honestly, I just need some time. Time heals everything; time has always been my friend and enemy. Time has been there for me since the beginning. I’ll get over it. I always do, I know myself. Who knows maybe by the time I publish this he already got back to me, maybe he didn’t, maybe he won’t. It’s okay, not everyone is going to like me, I’m not going to like everyone. I’m okay with that thought. Just writing facts. Learn to live your present, don’t worry much about the future, embrace being single, love your family and friends, enjoy the time you get to experience romance. Live a little and laugh a lot.

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