Distance

I see you in the end of the hallway, with your big smile and dorky personality, doing your thing. I can see you, but you don’t seem to see me. I approach you, and I need to remind myself to stop before I get hurt. I don’t listen to my mind and just follow my heart; I walk to your place and give you a big hug. I used to dream about us, and I used to think there might be a chance, no matter how small but there was a tiny chance it might have worked. I choose to hold on to that thought. That kind of hope breeds eternal misery. Every time I try to move on; you’re there clueless, without knowing my heart is beating a hundred times per minute just by watching you. I breathe, focus and try to continue with my day. I despise myself for feeling this way. I wonder if I ever made you feel like that.

The best part was falling, you make me feel good, secure, sexy, strong and vulnerable; all at the same time. I must remind me to stop, stop before I fall deeper. I won’t change and you won’t change. This will never be. You’ll never give up anything, and I also won’t give up anything to give this a chance. Am I being greedy? Am I being unreasonable? Am I being childish? None of the above… I’m scared. Just as scared as you are… “I know I’m not good enough for you” why? We don’t fight for love; we’re scared of it, it terrifies us. This used to be treacherous… I was unsure. We can be friends, we’re better off as friends, you want to be friends and I’m okay with that. You are kind and a dear friend that’s how I got to appreciate you, as a friend.

I need boundaries; I need you to please stop and not stand so close to me because I’m having trouble breathing. I’m afraid of what you’ll see, all my broken heartbeats. I will make sure to keep my distance; say I love you when you’re not listening. I will move on; we’re not meant for each other. You’ve taught me a lot, and I’ll keep those lessons close to my heart. I see you walking around, cheerful smile and cute eyes, clueless, please don’t change. I’ll let go the idea of you and me, me and you. I won’t say goodbye because you’re staying but I’m letting you go. I’m not sad or mad with you; you’ve always been you since the day I met you, no lies, no walls just you. A friend told me that one of the happiest moments in life was when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change. I’m going to be strong to let you go and be smart enough to wait for what I deserve.

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