People have their own way to deal with their inner demons. Some learn to live with them, embrace them as part of their persona. Others fight with them all their life, is a constant battle and it’s tiring. What happens when you no longer have the strength to keep fighting them. What happens when you have given all of you and in the journey of trying to beat them you lose yourself. What happens when you have lost the battle and all faith? What happens then? Is it worth it? Fighting your nature, denying your feelings, taming yourself.
I know the feeling, wanting so much to change but being unable to do so. Wishing with all your strength to be something different. You know deep in your heart that no matter how hard you try this feeling will never go away. I know it’s frightening and you feel terrified of what others might think, because your whole life you were taught that it was wrong. Isn’t it tiring? To keep trying to hide? The constant thoughts of rejection for being human. You feel ashamed, you’re scared of what others might say! You’re scared of your family’s reaction; you’re scared to lose your friends; you’re terrified of yourself. It’s killing you, the guilt and you wonder if it’ll ever get better or if it’ll ever change… disappear.
It will, get better. Give it sometime, don’t pressure yourself. What you are is beautiful. It might be hard to believe but it’s the truth. The best part is when you’ve accepted it and learned to love yourself. I know from my own experience that it’s a process. Only you are able to deal with it. If you’re just exploring, it’s okay and if it turns out that you like it? It’s okay too. Only you know how it makes you feel. It was hard for me because I felt like I was betraying my religion. I felt like I was being unfaithful and that feeling hound me for a long time. I’ve learned that God’s love is unconditional, and He’s not condemning me, that I’m love and loved. It had been a long time before I was able to recognize that.
Came to the realization that sexuality is truly a spectrum. Is not like anyone is a 100% straight or a 100% gay and being straight isn’t merely a default that’s above interrogation. Maybe Queer, have you thought about it? Queer love the cure against the world’s troubles. But the denial and repression of such attraction ignite and fuel a dangerous behavior, toxic. You’re too good to feel like that. Don’t become a monster you’ll regret it. It’s your own battle, your own process. Just know that I care about you, and I’ll be there for you. I want to see you be brave. Hoping one day, we won’t have to ‘come out of the closet’ we’ll just say we are in love and that will be all that matters.