Get it right

Sometimes I wish I could runaway. Away from all of this. I’ll run so fast that nobody will see me disappear. This ship is sinking and the longer I stay the more I’m going under. Whenever I’m trying to help, I hurt everyone else. Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders. My friends, they want to take me to the movies. I’ll tell them to fuck off! I have plans with my depression, rather be alone. I just want to die in silence.

Can I start again with my faith shaken? I know I can’t go back and undo this. Another day begins, I dress up and put on my fake smile. Fuck off a fake smile. As soon as the day starts, I can’t help but wish it’s over now. Everyday feels like a routine now and I just have to stay, face my mistakes. Trying to get stronger and wiser, I know I’ll get through this. It’s overwhelming, I overthink to the point I create scenarios and get hurt by something that hasn’t happened yet. I love making everyone believe what they get is what they see but I’m so fake happy. I’ve been doing a good job of making them think, I’m quite alright, better hope I don’t blink.

If I smile with my teeth, I bet you believe me, if I smile hard enough I think I believe me. Please don’t ask me how I’ve been. Don’t make me play pretend! What’s the use? I know I said that I was doing good and that I’m happy now. I’m anxious, afraid to be alone again, and I hate this. Is there somebody who could help me? I can’t help but isolate myself when I feel like this and try to make everyone happy is tiring. I hurt everyone it’s not my purpose and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being like this, nobody knows what it feels like. What can you do when your good isn’t good enough and all that you touch tumbles down? Because my best intentions keep making a mess of things and I just want to fix it somehow.

How many times will it take? How many times will it take for me, to get it right? Sometimes I feel like giving up, and it’s hard to hold on to. So please let me just give up, let me just let go. If this isn’t good for me then I don’t want to know. Let me just stop trying, let me just stop fighting. I don’t want anyone’s advice or reasons why I’m alright! I never meant causing any trouble. I never meant doing you wrong. I never meant doing any harm. I accept the truth that sometime’s life isn’t fair. I try to send a wish. I try and send a prayer. Hoping that someone will finally see how much I care. I’m done looking for others and giving out my love. I can’t do this anymore, giving out hugs and kisses, smiling at everyone. I don’t feel good. Right now I want to be not okay.

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