Tell me how

I think of different ways to keep my spirit up, try to choreograph hours with playful joyish thoughts. I could learn a thing or two about relaxing. I rather drown in my own self-destructive thoughts and sabotage the chances of being happy with someone I care. That’s what I do… I already have me routine. Wake up every morning put on the fake smile, bright colors to hide this blue feeling, take a deep breath and try to survive this day. Smiling has always been easier than explaining why am I sad. I got this; it’s part of every two weeks, nothing I can’t handle. The better it gets, the less it’s going to last.

Here’s another sad note get fucking used to it. I can’t seem to understand that I am allowed to be happy! I’m afraid, I’m constantly anxious that the way that I feel around him is unsafe! Unsafe because it feels so damn good. It makes me feel so good that I would sabotage it before life comes in and does it for me. I can’t fuck the chill out. I’m self-destructive, and I can think of a hundred million reasons to walk away. I don’t know him, at the same time I can’t call him a stranger but I can’t call him either. I think he hates me, but I can’t hate him. I experience trouble breathing, it’s hard. When you cry so much, it makes you realize that breathing is hard.

I’m tired of overcoming it and starting something new again. I’m getting nauseous of the beginnings. I guess it’s good to get it off my chest. I guess I can’t believe I haven’t until now. I got my own convictions, and they’re stronger than any addiction. I want to stop wondering, and I want you to tell me how to feel about you now? Let me know, do I suffocate or should I let you go? Tell me, how you feel about me now? Because you’re keeping me up with your silence. Taking me down with your quite. Of all the weapons you fight with, your silence is the most violent.

So after all can you tell me how to feel about you now? How do you feel about me now? I can be annoying, a bit needy and suffocating at times… if you want me gone then I’ll leave, just hold me closer baby. I will do my very best but sometimes it’s just not good enough. I will buckle my seat belt, wear a helmet and stick to the lighted paths. I’ll try to be safe. I’ll try so hard to protect myself but it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference cause when the destructive things come, they come out of nowhere. The harmful things come suddenly with no warning but I’ll forget, that sometimes that’s how the good things come too.

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