Part of being human is accepting we’re not always going to feel at our hundred percent. There are going to be good days and bad days; the key is to have more good days than bad ones. It’s part of life, and bad days suck. Last week I had a few bad days. I just can’t help it but since the morning I was already feeling cranky. Small things were bothering me like the way they leave the toothpaste; not having clean clothes (During quarantine what the fuck?); the taste of burned coffee, etc.
I just wanted to smash some plates and break some stuff. I was not enjoying it. Wanting to stick a knife into someone’s chest. Sorry if it’s too much, I was bothered but I didn’t comprehend why. Spent a few nights with my eyes closed but not sleeping. I’m stressed and everyone is dreaming, softly breathing. While I am hyperventilating, trying to keep the pace but I ran out of patience. I started feeling bad about shit I didn’t do, starting with being dramatic, panicking. Getting pre-traumatic stress because nothing’s happened yet but it already did in my head.
Every so often it’s hard to write about being happy cause I find that happiness is an extremely uneventful subject. Everything pisses me off; I’m done with this quarantine. I want to go out, I want to go out and kiss someone, I miss physical touch. I am a personal sucker for cuddles. I miss hanging out with my friends. I’ve been having mood swings, one moment I’m okay next thing I know I’m being an ass to my brother, sorry. One moment I’m all happy and positive, then I switch to stress and depressed. It’s exhausting, I need to be done with all this bullshit! Because I drive me mad, I’m driving me absolutely crazy and I feel bad. I feel so terrible for everyone around me cause I’m so fucking paranoid and sad. All the time and I could blame it on my mind! I’m sorry I can be a lot to handle.
I’m working on myself, I guess it was just the changes that I’ve been experiencing that got me feeling this way. I know it’s stupid but sometimes it’s hard just being human. Some days I wake up and I feel like I just want to dye my hair platinum blonde. Just to forget I am me. Recovery and self-improvement are not a straight line; it’s a rocky path but one that is worth fighting for. I am a lot to handle, moody and sometimes annoying but kindhearted. I always mean well even if sometimes I come out as sarcastic. I try controlling myself, starting to see the good in everyone and trying to practice compassion. What I’m trying to express is… please be patient with me. I’m flawed and if you don’t like that get lost. Cause I don’t want you in my life if this is fake or just for show, I just want it if it’s genuine. I will do my best to stay sane; I am still in my process. Returning to love myself so much that I can be delighted with or without a partner. That is the goal, and I’m willing to go through whatever I have, to be where I want to be.