Midnight Train

It’s a cold night in the month of December, the clock strikes eleven at night. He’s once again late, it’s not a surprise for me. My whole body is trembling, I’m scared, and this feeling is taking over me. All my bags and luggage are downstairs near the front door. I bring my hands to my mouth and take a breath to warm them up. I have made my decision, it is all clear to me, it’s just hard being brave. I can’t move, sitting in our bed admiring our wedding picture. That brings back memories, of the good times, the not so good and the really bad ones. I remember our wedding day; I was so nervous that I could barely get some sleep. I wore a white pearl dress with sleeves and a large train, it was gorgeous. All our family, friends and loved ones where there, no one missed the event, not a single invite was wasted. I remember our vows, “I will love you till death do us part”, I’m sorry. It’s so hard to do and so easy to say. Broken promises, I admit we had our ups and downs; even though we tried it wasn’t enough. Sometimes you just have to walk away and head for the door. I tried; I really tried my best. I tried to live up to the expectations of my family. I tried to endure, resist and persist until I broke. It’s been years and only fools think that time, will make all this go away when time has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays. Now I choose me, and I know that’s selfish love. You used to be a dream and I can’t thank you enough, but I can’t give another piece of me away. For every waking day that I’m with you is like an arrow going through my chest. Am I a monster? What will your family think of me? They brought me in and they helped me out. If I were to think about everyone else what they might think, what they might say, I might never get out of here.

I can’t stop crying, I hate that I will cause a lot of pain, but I can’t deny it. I just don’t feel the same. Being with you took a lot from me, I gave up things I loved to please you. I started losing parts of me, like baby teeth disappearing into a void of darkness and forgotten in time. You took little pieces of me, so small that I didn’t even notice. You wanted me to be someone I wasn’t, and I foolishly made myself into what you wanted. One day I was me, and suddenly I was lying for you, enduring, holding up circumstances I shouldn’t have been put through, allowing and agreeing. Until I was standing there with my broken arms, makeup smeared and a beaten soul, unable to recognize my own reflection. I wasn’t me anymore and even then, I would’ve chosen you. I would have. I lost myself for a long time. You might’ve succeeded in changing me and I might’ve been turned around a few times. It’s over now is not easier to leave than to be left behind and leaving was never my proud. I saw the light fading out. I used to love you but now I have to let you go. I’ll miss your touch and therefore the secrets we both know but it might be wrong on behalf of me to stay and just offer you hope.

We walked within the same direction so we could never stray. They say if you’re keen on somebody, then you’ve got to set them free. Please don’t search for me I’d preferably be free than sleep in this pain and misery of feeling locked with you. I do not need a reason for what I became. I’ve got these excuses they’re tired and they are lame. I do not need you to forgive me for there isn’t any one left responsible. I’m leaving the table, there is no need for anger, no need for blame, there’s nothing to prove everything’s still the same, just a table standing empty. I’m out of the game, you don’t need a lawyer, I’m not making a claim. You don’t have to surrender; I’m not taking aim. I don’t need a lover so please blow out the flame. I’m a leaving you before it’s too late and I can’t stop the tears from your eyes, but I actually have to say goodbye. I’m gathering the pieces; I need to get on the midnight train. I have my reasons but darling I’m unable to explain. I’ll always love you but tonight’s the night I choose to love myself and walk away.

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