I’ll still have me

The past month has not been easy for me. I struggled a great deal, not desperate to get out bed, not being hungry or not eager to check with anybody. Suddenly everything felt like it was too much for me to handle. I felt uninspired to put in writing, which hurt me the foremost. Cause I love writing, it’s my favorite thing to try and do. Above all things writing gives me life. Until this week, now I’m feeling far better. Is not the end of the world, at least not yet although it appears like it. There’s not much I can do, towards what happens to me or what life or God decides to throw at me. It just happens sometimes; shit happens, and therefore the only thing you’ll be able to do is put on your best outfit and survive. I cannot control what happens, but I do have control over how I react and what my next steps are going to be. I’ve taken this time to reflect on plenty of things, I’ve been staying up late watching movies, wasting my time on TikTok, being on YouTube and many other platforms. I have also been reading tons, that has got to be one of my highlights. Reading novels from Austen, reading the classics like Frankenstein, Moby Dick, Love and War, etc. I’ve been enjoying myself, cooking and being more independent. I even have to admit that I used to be on a bad mood for an extended period of time but not anymore, I feel more hopeful.

For many days I asked myself “why me?” went over and over it on my head. Trying to grasp the reason behind their decision, once more I have to get used to the concept that sometimes there’s not an answer to those questions. Sometimes it just is what it is. It feels awful but nothing lasts forever. No feeling lasts forever, even love gets tired and though it might still be there making that decision, to stay, is harder. Love is a decision, to stay, to hold, to endure, despite the circumstances, loving someone isn’t easy but worth trying. I’ve learned that love comes and goes, in all shapes and sizes, in numerous colors but the feeling is the same. Love can hurt but only sometimes. Just because it hurts doesn’t mean it’s bad and just because it happened doesn’t mean you’re not going to allow yourself to love again.

In my experience I’ve broke my back thinking that love would too. Ran in a circle overthinking what went wrong. If there’s a different universe, maybe in another life everything worked out alright and therefore the things that made this harder just went by. It’s useless pondering what could’ve happened when in reality that’s just in the past and you can’t change it anymore. Now there’s no bad dream to awake from, it happened. My circle of friends knew I used to be upset, and they didn’t even need to ask, they know I believed in us a month ago. Yet again just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean I’m going to die. I’ll find somebody else that may take excellent care of me, and perhaps in another life we will meet again. We’ll be much wiser and won’t make the same mistakes. Right now, we just need sometime apart. If I don’t have you, at least I’ll still have me. That’s all I need, me. If I’m grateful for something it has to be that I never lost myself being with you. I survive and am fine, I cherish the time together but now look forward to a brighter future. A brand new hope, new experiences, new people and places. Thank you forward the time shared you taught me a lot.

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