All this time, I felt completed. All along, I felt that even if we disagreed again and again, I sought your company. The nights with you were so disarming, you took all my weapons from me. I found myself powerless with you. Like other boys, I tried to accept situations, stopped looking forward to brighter things, and tried to stay excited. Felt like your love would have always be my validation. Something died the day I believed you. I kept on pouring red wine in my apple juice for many days tried to convince myself. You were everything; I escaped and there was nothing. Thought I finally found someone to lose myself in, but I don’t buy it, and neither do you. Now I see everything is beautiful, maybe because we were always condemned to fall. We are a whole, a mismatch of two beings, incompatible, opposites in all the ways that I know. It used to be a filthy habit of mine to overlook red flags for a minute. Falling for your potential, hoping that one day you’ll be the best version of yourself, that was my greatest mistake. I know it and over the years, I have become more sensible. I am now seeking a higher love.
The day I learned the way to see people around me for whom they are and not for what I want them to be I was able to surround myself with genuine and good friends. I found myself happier and content, less disappointed. I reached these new heights. I learned that love without someone else feels right. Love for myself in this new perspective feels great. I see there’s something much deeper inside. There’s more to life than materialistic things. There’s hope, kindness and love. I learned that I could be confident, caring, creative, smart, curious, ambitious, strong, daring and fearless. I knew in that moment that I could be so many things, if I set my mind in the right path. I reached new heights. I have too much potential. I don’t want to waste it occupying a life that’s not mine. I don’t want to waste it by being mediocre or just settling. I don’t want to settle. I want the world, nothing less and I want to see it before it disappears.
I used to compete with others. You made me feel like I had to… constantly comparing myself people that were prettier, curvier, smarter, smaller, thinner, etc. It would’ve never been enough for you; I would’ve never been enough for you. I guess it was good. That we departed and went into our separate ways. Cause I’ve learned my validation doesn’t come from other people, it comes from me. I used to live my life in relation to others and had estimated my self-worth based on that equation… and the fact is that now all those relationships are gone, and you are too. I stopped doing things that felt good to me. I don’t want to lose myself again while falling for someone else. It shouldn’t be like that. I don’t ever want to feel like I can’t be myself with someone else around. I have pretended all my life, acting this role, living a lie, and I’m tired. For once I want to fight for me. I know who I am, I know who I’ll always be, and I have a choice, I can hide in the shadows or I can stand in the light, out and proud. The next person has the same choices, they can either stand with me, accept me, with all the good and bad, or completely forget about me. Until then I stand here in these new heights, single but not alone. If there’s one thing, I will never be in my life, it’s being alone.